Create..or lack thereof.

Chipped Mermaid to Order

Luke warm Coffee

Sunny- and chilled

Sitting with coffee in one hand, trying my best at typing fast..consuming coffee in the not-so-early morning hours. The sky for once is blue, and I am attempting to rid myself of scarves and jeans that have riddled my hopeful sun basking May.

Lately, I've been overwhelmed with longing to create. Its been imperative that I surround myself with beauty, in hopes it may spring some creativity within me. Unfortunately, though I know I can create I become overwhelmed by people like Esperanza Spalding, and feel I have nothing to communicate.

Besides, all I've really been making headway in is writing. Sitting down for at least 10 minutes each day, and writing some type of fiction. To my dismay, my fiction has been sarcastic and sometimes feel like the words of Holden Caufield, which is very clearly not the intention I had.

BEAUTY! Not the ramblings of a disenchanted teenager, or social satire that comes off as mean.

You see I become so very overwhelmed by the talent around me, and focus very clearly on what I am not.

I am terrified of singing, and the ukulele I was determined to learn is still sitting on my windowsill. My artistry is plainly reflected in the state of my fingernail polish: terribly chipped, and desperately metallic in hopes of being noticed.

Cue: Silver lining. There is so much I want to be, and am inspired to show.. I am sure Maya Angelou has her faults-- and my focus on that is only scaring me into being nothing. I certainly will fail- and the first brush-stroke on a perfectly white canvas terrifies me.

Allowing this terror to prevent me from exploring my creative self will do nothing but limit and hurt me. I remember a friend telling me (in an all too similar scenario) that I am also hurting those around me that may benefit from my words/expression.

With room-temperature coffee in hand and a newly changed mind-- I will create, even if it's as simple as arranging handpicked wildflowers. There is a reason we long to surround ourselves with beauty, not to become overwhelmed, but to see the world in different shade with separate perspectives dotting our journey.

Just here

Bare.

Coffee.

'Welcome to the Monkeyhouse' -Kurt Vonnegut

Coffee. Coffee.

Sometimes when I drink it in the morning, despite brushing my teeth before and after..my mouth tastes like poop.

Now, I don't have recollection of eating poop (I know I must have, at some point) but I am certain that this taste I have, is it.

Why don't I stop drinking coffee? You would think this option would be something I would contemplate, nope.

Why? Because I feel like I am finally coming to the place where I can appreciate the subtle tastes, but mainly..I'm proud it's no longer coffee-flavored creamer.

Poop it is then.

Vaginas Unite!

Coffee
Do you Lilac It?
Grey, but it's okay.

“Good is towing the line, being behaved, being quiet, being passive, fitting in, being liked, and great is being messy, having a belly, speaking your mind, standing up for what you believe in, fighting for another paradigm, not letting people talk you out of what you know to be true,” -Eve Ensler

I am inspired in the purest possible sense.
Some unlikely sources, but mainly women.

For many years I've followed Eve Ensler, and eagerly awaited a time when I could actually see an adaptation of her Vagina Monologues. When I heard of auditions for the Denver production, I was floored. I knew it was something I had to attempt.
From the moment I walked into the lesbian coffee house, I knew my comfort levels would be more than challenged.
Lets just say orgasming/moaning in an audition is something I have never encountered. Brilliant, but very scary.

I decided (quite dramatically) that if I did not make this production I would give up acting.
I know, the stubborn..hurt..and very childish Alesha came out.

I chose 2 monologues, one I had read prior..and the other had a British accent, which I felt I had to do.

Suffice it to say, I made the show as the very British 'Vagina Workshop', and am marveling at the talent I have the honor to share a 'stage' with.
For so long, I questioned my ability in something I cherished..and the women who I now admire in strength, ability, and overall character--have applauded me.

(The 6 year old Alesha still wants to hide inside myself, when I hear compliments and applause not the character)

And WOAH. I am orgasming on stage, I like to think I am a pretty open person..but this is REALLY pushing me as an actor, to really BARE ALL in front of everyone. I am excited and looking forward to the challenge ahead, in portraying many women's stories and being strengthened in the process of it all!

One's Enough.

Coffee
Chipped, but red.
Snow.


Ahh, snowy morning. Sitting with a cup of joe, and the New Yor Times open on my desktop.

Because being smart just goes with snow; since snow isn't necessarily my 'thing', I thought I'd fake smart.

I must say, life is good. The heart of it is, at least...which brings me to my next to-so-related-topic: John Mayer.
I was a huge fan, and would still like to be one but I cannot continue to ignore such terrible (flaunted) ideas..and outspoken prejudices (against women, namely).
So, Mr. Mayer...stop speaking, and play the guitar. Really, that's all we care about from you.

So, this is a busy season! I'm gearing up for an audition...school...and work. When I began telling people I was working and going to school full time, it always resulted in cringed faces. I didn't think it was so much of an undertaking, but now I see just what I'm taking on...and crave some waves to satiate this frustration.
But, I'll take working out--and swimming indoors for now.

Must have been a mermaid in a past life. Don't think about saying "But Alesha, mermaids aren't real"--NO. They are, I swear-- and I was one at some point. I'm sure you'll find that many Buddhist's will back me up.

Don't worry, despite these ramblings..I'm okay. I'm happy. The more and more I see life unfold, it becomes clear--if you can lay down at night and are happy with your own company..you're golden.
My company is great, and I am uncovering so many perspectives that cause me to question myself. Questioning without those awful 'guilted' undertones.

THAT is company I want to keep.

Quick, but OH! So good.

New obsession: Smart girls at the party

My face is on constant smile mode after I watch an episode.

I think yours should be as well: http://www.onnetworks.com/videos/smart-girls-at-the-party

Blonde w/ a side of relish

Shim-MERRY Chic
Watching water boil
Cold Colorado + Glen Hansard

'Tis the season.

I'm learning how to cope with cold weather. Currently, I find myself shutting doors to find the perfect heater to room ratio..
I think I have the living room down, and there is little hope for bathrooms, I've decided.
In my last entry, I said how I have changed my hair...which has not only pushed me to make changes in my life, but has provided me with (observed by others) new characteristics:

Becoming blonde-ish has proved I do have a sense of style, and use make-up. Though, I'm sorry to say my clothes have not changed..nor has my application of makeup. =Positive characteristic.
Older men? I've been treated like I have little intelligence..
I spoke to a co-worker about this and she nodded her head at the latter. (She has it naturally, and understands this stereotype)

How discouraging!
I work at a gym/spa, and was speaking to a member about this- which turned into her fear of her daughters succumbing to the media's female ideal. She told me how her 12 year old had a sleep over one night, and the following morning enjoyed pancakes made by her mom. As my friend was making these pancakes, one of the girls asked for seconds-- which another shouted 'Eww! Fatty!'
We were speaking of how scary this was..this deep fear of being fat, and disliked. She was at the point of tears, uncertain of how to encourage her daughters to be...themselves.
Being a person that has struggled with anorexia, I didn't think I was the best to advise. BUT I'm also quite outspoken and will always give whatever "change" I have.

How sad that we place so much importance on our outward characteristics, instead of finding worth in the small things that make us individuals! I've known so many beautiful people, that the line between physical and inward beauty is so fuzzy I couldn't tell you what they were. Just beautiful.
This affliction is not just on females, men suffer as well. Where is the encouragement?

Don't get me wrong, living aesthetically is something that GREATLY interests me. BEING beauty is very different than what the media puts out there. (How fitting that Mika's 'Love Today' comes on now)

I suppose this is me encouraging us to. be.US.

This, here, is too damn short to not be, or do what you feel like. And I feel like so many people are not honest to those around them- whether it be their sexuality, selfishness, depression, happiness (why are we so suprised by those that squeal in excitement? I've never understood that one), love, or apathy- if those you care for don't accept you in your truest self..
They clearly don't care that deeply about you. We all have raw moments, and if people cannot accept your vulnerability?
They are not as important as you may have believed they were.

One thing that I have learned: Family is what you make.

I'm a little all over the place on this entry, but these 'themes' seem to be coming up an awful lot lately. Coincidence, though nice...doesn't seem to be the case.

I invite you to respond, if you feel necessary. If this has in anyway ignited you, voice it.

World: Call me a Lesbian.

Cider/tea
Sexy Silhouette
Almost out the window.

I've changed my hair with it I feel so many other changes occurring! Whether it be me choosing to take action in the issues that arise around me, or putting past hurts and relationships behind this change is effecting every part of me.

My most valuable lesson: Always play it straight.

Yes, if you're going to have sex the only right way? With the opposite sex.
No, get over yourself ( or selves) and realize that sexual attraction is only a minute part of an individual...and what business is it of yours? Maybe that faucet of the individual's life is so "unfulfilled" they find it necessary to live through others....?

Life is too short to allow terrible people or circumstances to bother. Moving forward, I decided to refuse any type of negativity or social immaturity. Rather then speak of my frustration, my actions have done the job...dealing directly with it.

Maybe it's an obvious realization, but to me? It's been something I was knocked over the head with....

Repeatedly.

Pete and Re-Pete were in a boat, Pete fell in-- Who is left..?

"Just Stu."

Pink grapefruit italian soda
Chipped Mermaid to order
Home

My fingers are parched.. it seems like no matter what I do, I still end up feeling like "snake hands Machuca". Curly hair just adds to my 'Medusa factor'.

Love certainly seems to be in the air, which brings up the question of convenience.... in hand with desperation.
I'll admit, my relationship "fast forward" was forced.... by a third party.
But I see so many utterly desperate and lonely people stick in unhealthy (or fake healthy) relationships.
My fear is that the majority are so terrified of being alone, and having to come to terms with who they are, that they stay in this relationship. The terror of being around 'I' is so profound they seek out dependent and (hopefully) cure-all relationships.

Cue: Radio Lab episode; which brings normalcy into perspective.

Normalcy doesn't equate happiness, nor does happiness consist of normalcy.
How often are we happy, thanks to being 'normal'... I know I grow bored, wishing for something different.

My feminist roots are growing, as is my love for sciences.

Do me a favor and listen to the "New Normal" episode, and check out post secret. I've never had so many secrets of my own, mailed in by strangers.
http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/

Aesthetic, GO.

"Those who find ugly meanings in beautiful things are corrupt without being charming. This is a fault. Those that find beautiful meanings in beautiful things are the cultivated. For these there is hope. They are the elect to whom beautiful things only mean Beauty. There is no such thing as a moral or immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written. That is all." -Oscar Wilde

It seems as if inspiration is plentiful. Whether it be in the walk/bike to work, colors I hardly knew of, or the brilliant words I hear/read everyday. The crisp air that fall brings seem to press art and innocence to the forefront of everyone's mind.

Conversation is an art we hardly consider, and something I've become determined to focus on.
This focus is not only on vocabulary.. but all that is said without.

Oh, and I'm learning Spanish...Castillian.

Once again I've found myself, it's amazing what can be lost when doubt sets in. I think each one of us needs that ephifany a few times in life. Otherwise, we'd have to ascribe to self help books...and the "fad revolutions", which could be found if you just took a moment to look outside the situation you're in.

(Jonas Brothers are on 'Musak' for the 4th time this shift...I think they've seen the end of their Beatles-esque Phenom)

Truly, I cannot believe the amount of people that look to an individual group for "the answers"...
It makes me sad to see so many people to very, very lost.

Must stop. Jonas Brothers bring back memories of squealing, not the best when typing.

(I feel magical, like a mermaid...)

Over and Out. Totally.

It's a slow realization.

There are just some people that will never be content. Though, in the begining I felt as if I were a large factor to individual's hatred, I now see that sometimes people are so angry and sad within they feel a scapegoat is their only option.

To be honest, and honest in the sense that I AM..not in the belief that honesty is black and white (if you believe this, I'm sorry for your emotional stunting).

I'm flattered.

Flattered, not only have I been given a whole lot of power in people's lives but it's allowed me to see how much of an impact my friendship has had...and is quite obviously missed. After all, how often do we go to such extremes over people we don't care much for?

There is absolutely no point.

Anyway, all I can say is that I have learned valuable lessons.. with the knowledge that not everybody wants to turn the other cheek, some are vindictive- which never allows them peace, even when what they aquire is had.

Though I refuse to allow this to make me bitter, just aware.

Typing with chipped polish.

My favorite time of the year.
It's strange to experience it totally landlocked...not swimming everyday.

I was right about the upswing, it's on.
Last week I was riding my bike through the park, and met a fox.
We exchanged glances, then continued on with our commute. That small encounter had such an impact on me.

Lately, I've been encountering so much change! Unfortunately, the change is not something that can be combated with resilence (a trait I proud myself in). It's the harsh realization that all too many people would rather 'kick a person while their down', rather then turning the other cheek.

Not to say that my belief in people has been utterly tarnished- but I am much more careful about who I allow in my life..
I'm just too old to play on the playground, to trust each person I dig sand tunnels with. It's funny that desipte this, I still refuse to become so discontented with life that I shut everyone out.

Life is not a formula, and not one person has it all down.
Which is why the NY Times Best Seller list is so riddled with self-help books...we're all searching, in attempts to 'live in the right'. Not every attempt is great- many of them are utter fails- but the point is to actually LEARN.
I can say I've learned a lot since being in Kansas, California, and Arizona. And, I'm proud of the person I am today. Not many people can say that, without having regrets before they fall asleep.

Anyway, back to the fox. Symbolism taking life.
The calm after the storm always provides me with amazing people and situations that make each terrible storm, and sad encounter absolutely worth it.
How would I be able to appreciate who and where I am today?

Not sure it's entirely possible.

10-4 Good Buddy, Over and Out.

On with the Moment.

Weather has been crazy, something I should be used to after living in Kansas for 3 years..

It's just something I can't grow accustomed to.

Glorious weather is so much more appreciated, after the clouds, snow, wind, cold, allergies subside. The more I anticipate, the more suprised I become!

Anticipation assumes expectations and control, both of which I attempt none of.

Continuing the adventure, as it's meant to be--filled with uncertainties.

Still, I'm excited.. Renewed, happy, and okay with who I am as I fall asleep.

Thats all you can really ask for, right?

Maybe some toast, with crunchy peanut butter..and tea.

Blah Blah Blah

Those were the words I sang to the begining of "All you need is love"--
For the longest time, it's what I believed the lyrics were. Though it WAS a tad strange a song with such a passionate meaning began with such mundane words.

But I continued to sing those lyrics, laughing it off without a second thought..because that is what I discerned them to be.
I never thought about questioning it, because in those lyrics I found blah entertaining, and easy- then, after much embarassment, (and movie watching) I learned the real lyrics: love, love, love.

Funny. I'd love to draw conclusions and make many analogies, but I don't feel like it.
Sloth, at it's finest.

I'd like to think that you, dear reader, have thought of times that you have been entirely off the mark...and were humbled.

I'm talking truly humbled, not the word we mearly throw around because it makes us feel and look better..the feeling.

Anyway, I am off.
And you know what? I'm still feeling yellow with an upswing on the side.

Fashionable Existing

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.

-Oscar Wilde

I know, Mr. Wilde was a crazy man. But boy did he make people think by the way he lived his life. Choosing to live aesthetically and embodying art in every aspect..though I wouldn't live strictly by him- I respect his being true to himself in a time when it wasn't fashionable to be such.

Each day something new comes at me, which is mad. You'd think after 21 years of life you could get used to life, people, routine, philosophy, nature, and miracles.

That's simply not what I've found.

Right now I find it absolutely vital to assure myself that I don't have it all together, nor will I. And the discoveries I make each day are key to my own "adventure". I place adventure in quotations because immediately I wanted to say walk, but cringed at the christianese and made it something everybody could relate to.

[Note: for those of you who make it a point to be concerned with my spiritual life, rest assured. I want absolutely NOTHING with the christian culture, and each day am surprised at the hypocritical joke it's become. I suppose that's what occurs when religion becomes just that..and is paired with a spot of conglomeration. Do I have an answer? Not necessarily, but I do know the best way to reach people is to meet them where they are. Actually living life by the red script, being IN the world.. confronting yourself daily, and not becoming 'set' in conglomerate ways.]

That determination is humbling, and is not at all easy...let me tell you. It's far easier to point one's finger then it is to look at your own tarnished self.

The person of frustration today? Pope Benedict, for his lovely advice in Africa.

Though Iggy Pop isn't the best musician, he sure does have an opinion!

Reads: Everything is Illuminated by Mr. Foer-- perfect after Clockwork Orange.

And I'm off to some tea and reads.

Go ahead and start living.. without thought to what others think. Believe me, you won't have ANY fun living by their standards!

Fountains, Hypocrites, and Chocolate Enduced Comas

Little by little life makes these lovely epiphanies, allowing me to draw conclusions..experiencing life personally.

I don't have it all together, nor do I believe the perspective of one can be justified as a formula for all.

Woah. Casting all judgement aside? What a concept! It's funny, those who adamantly declare their lack of judgement...I've found to be the most hypocritical.

Not to say I'm not a hypocrite, because each one of us is in some facet or another, it's just one of those brilliant fountain swelling light beaming conclusions the world has so kindly impressed upon me.

RECAP: I'm a hypocrite. You're a hypocrite. How about ending the finger pointing, and see that we're all in the wrong in a different sense- without hierarchies.

And now something different:

A few days ago I was doing laundry.. well, a lot of laundry. For some reason I can't come to the conclusion that this arduous task wouldn't be so if I wouldn't wait until all I have to wear is those terrible light wash jeans and shirt (which lost it's shape long ago, and really should have been discarded months before)-

Yet I still found myself doing "group laundry" and condemning myself for hours of timed cycles. I am slightly irritated by my use of "myself" twice in the same sentence. I digress. The strangest feeling came over me as I watched boy clothes intermingle with my own-

I was weirded out, so much so that I ate away my issues through too many truffled chocolates and fell into the lives of Samantha, Carrie, Charlotte, and Miranda. It's become an addiction, one that I am not so closeted in..unfortunately.

I would love to continue this entry, but it would go against my belief of long-winded entries. Bottom line: if you can't get to the point in one paragraph you shouldn't be posting using online means. Write a damn email, because nobody has the patience to sift through pages of your philosophy and terrible writing.

Told you I'd be honest.

And now a message from our partners-

Each entry I write, though I attempt to keep my thoughts unfiltered, is written with the knowledge that people I know are reading it. You'd think I'd be aware uh, hello the blog has MY name as the URL that people I'm intimately antiquated with..and those I wish would fade into the back ground are reading these words.

And it has been affecting this blog's contents. What I write, what I want everyone to see, and who I want people to see me as: the backstabber, social butterfly, irritating older sister, or the girl: carefree-born-in-the-wrong-generation.

So this is me taking the blog back, unafraid of the contents I may publish-
Life is too short, and if you-- my dear reader-- are offended or frustrated place your mouse on that cute little back arrow, or comment.

So, look forward to me. I hesitate with that sentence, yet if you're here? You're interested.

The Body Code.

The upswing is on..
I can FEEL it.

Another thought: I love seeing people living the way they want to live. Not hurting others, not disrupting the flow of life--just going along, making vibrations.. which don't take away from the flow, but add a new depth to the waters.
I'm talking in code, I know. Not so much code..but emotions.
I think thats how we should write, expressing thoughts and feelings in their purest form.

Others will understand, and if they don't..
I'm sure the world will end, as we should all know everyone's exact thought-feeling-and-not-so-proud-moment.

I saw a dead body, and touched it. There is a certain peace about death-- strange..and more natural then one would think.
Oh, I didn't just find the body- it was in a mortuary.

It was cold and felt normal besides that.

Okay, must go. Damn Target.

Literary Lessons

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.- Mark Twain

I write with the sounds of Ella and Billie filling the room..and I'd not have it any other way.

My stomach wants nothing more than a chai with unhealthy soy milk..

It's difficult seeing life and the world for what it is--and what it's become. Sometimes I think I'd much prefer to stay oblivious, and sequestered from the rest of the population..living life and experiencing things the way I choose, rather than allow dictation to mill about.

Thats when I laugh at my absurdity, and trust that living and experiencing is just not possible when you live in a reality created by yourself.

It's not reality. It becomes a sad existence, one that I've learned to notice on people.

Life is mad...it reminds me of the exchange between Alice and the Cheshire cat, 'But I don't want to go among mad people,' said Alice. 'Oh, you can't help that,' said the cat. 'We're all mad here.'

I'm absolutely certain of this, and that those who will never come to that conclusion have desperate..and dreadfully boring lives.

Little by little, I find that I am just NOT okay with that existence.. or the word existence for that matter. I am determined to live without just existing.

It may seem like a relatively simple and easy concept to come by, but I assure you until you're tested with existing, live is not truly known.

Oooh. Ray Charles, he's one hot cat. [insert outdated comeback here]

I encourage you to embrace your inner madness, and live...

Question everything, and take nothing at face value- as little is what it seems to be.

The Kinsey Report--

The only thing I knew concerning the Kinsey Report was lyrically learned when I was in the musical "Kiss Me Kate"--

According to the Kinsey report ev'ry average man you know

much prefers to
play his favorite sport

when the temperature is low

but when the thermometer goes
way upand the weather is sizzling hot

Mister Adam for his madam is not

In actuality the story behind the Kinsey Report is fasinating, not only did this man go where many dared not to in the 1940's, but he and his reseach team had CRAZY MAD lives while "researching".

One detail that enraged the public, was the normality that homosexuality experiences had among men of that day. This was found to be attributed to the lack of education and repression concerning sexuality. After Kinsey came out with the Report concerning women, the public was outraged- the pure thought of grandmothers and daughters having sexual relations was too much. Kinsey eventually dealt with grants revoked, and retaliation from the public that once revered him for showing sexual 'norms'.

Anyway, I watched the movie Kinsey (which stars Liam Neeson and Laura Linney) and was blown away by the acting and honesty the characters had.

In short: watch it, and be blown away too..

It's a shame I didn't learn more about Kinsey..being a Psychology major at a Liberal Arts Christian institution..go figure, eh?

Laughs. Flaps. Inapproriate Grandmothers.

If you're like me, the winter (or lack thereof) has the tendency to get you "down". Seeing as I don't have a SAD machine to keep me in check, I've taken to good books- Lou Reed's "Walk On The Wild Side", and foundmagazine. (It's under Habitual Rubbish-->)

Check it all out. Oh, and if there are any amazing "found" articles, books, or songs you've taken to- go ahead and respond.

You can remain anonymous.

John Walsh OUT.